Yes, it's true: I survived postpartum depression. I am one of the roughly 15 percent of women
who come down with PPD following the birth of a child. Never thought it would happen to me. When Hannah was born I had nothing but
joy and happiness all throughout my maternity leave so when Caroline came I
thought “why would anything be different?”
In fact, during my pregnancy with Caroline I often thought of how “easy”
this second child would be b/c I’ve already been through it once and it was
another girl. I couldn’t have been more
wrong…PPD hit me and it hit me hard.
Anxiety. Depression. Sleepless nights. Yup, that was me and
then some. I had panic attacks when I
was with my girls and when I was without them.
Went to a restaurant once and had to head to the bathroom to calm myself
down b/c I was anxious around people…yes, to those who know me, you read that
right. Me…the person whose job is public relations! BUT it was me, for a time…
And sleep, what was that? I couldn’t close my eyes and
sleep…people say you’re supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps. Yeah, right. Fact was I couldn’t sleep as my thoughts raced and my panic
attacks started. Came to be that I
dreaded night…I often say I forgot how to sleep and in some ways that was true.
When did it start, you ask?
Three weeks almost to the day of when Caroline was born. Did I recognize it right away? Yes…sorta.
I knew after that first panic attack and sleepless night that something
wasn’t right but denied it was PPD for a few weeks. In fact, I've come to learn that denial is common...after all, who really wants to admit that...not I. At first anyway...
I DID see my OB but it wasn’t a great experience. They are nice enough folks but oddly enough
they couldn’t deal with what I was going through and weren’t trained to help
me. It was PPD after all and you’d
think an OB office could help since its direct result of hormones and having a
baby. BUT turns out they can’t…
So, my journey took me to my family practice physician who
helped in more ways than I could have ever anticipated. They treated me with compassion and love
during every visit, sometimes two or three times a week. And my doc said something I will always be
grateful for: “Sarah, you are normal
but hormones do funny things to our bodies.
You will get through this and continue to be a wonderful mom.” Thank you
Dr. F.
Slowly through support and medication I started to come out
of the darkness and rays of sunshine poked thru…and what a welcome they
were! And I started to enjoy my girls
again and relish Caroline as the baby she was…no longer the newborn, newborn
BUT it didn’t matter…
And then there was my family, particularly Tim, my
husband. When we married in 2003 we promised “In sickness and health…” well, that proved to be
true. He was left to do the majority of
the care and parenting of the kids while I worked through this…there were tears
on both our ends but thru it all we grew stronger together. He was the family
rock and, while he didn’t completely understand what I was going thru, he knew
I wasn’t his wife during that time and I needed help. And I think he said a few prayers himself that I'd come back soon =)
Our network of family was immense...they say "it takes a village to raise a child" and it my case I couldn't have asked for a better "village." Everyone step up, wrapped their arms around me and our little family…even at 2 a.m. one morning when I was panicked and not sleeping, I
called my sister who talked to me for more than an hour. She didn’t say she was sleeping (which of
course she was at 2 AM!), rather, she just talked and listen to me rattle on
about who knows what…
And then there was my mom...her youngest daughter was going through something that scared even her but she never lost faith...Halloween 2010 will forever be part of my memory as she came over that night just to be with
me. She cried with me and held me…it
was that night I came to recognize that this wasn’t just simply “anxiety”. Rather, it was, in fact, PPD.
Eventually the rays became brighter and the
panic attacks became less and less til there were none. The sleepless night went the same way…and
slowly I was "ME" again.
And
the PPD became a memory….EXCEPT it is one that will never be forgotten b/c it
changed me. As a person. As a
mother. And for that I am thankful. Yup, what doesn’t kill you only makes you
stronger…and I am. Stronger. Kinder and More real.
I AM the face of PPD.
And to tell all women who may be suffering from PPD: you too will
come out of the darkness.
AND you are not alone….there are many of us…and we are real...it doesn't make us weaker, but, rather stronger.
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